1 September 2023
MINNESOTA VIKINGS
“Driving Distraction”
All agree that J.J.
So much more than O.K.
No. 1 in the press guides you’re reading
Yet you’ll bet with your bookie
He’s way behind rookie
If you’re talkin’ ‘bout Interstate speeding
Minnesota Vikings owners Mark Wilf, left, and Zygi Wilf, right, pose for a photo with first-round draft pick Jordan Addison during an NFL football press conference in Eagan, Minn., Friday, April 28, 2023. (AP Photo/Abbie Parr)
GREEN BAY PACKERS
“Is Love All There is?”
The cupboard looks barren
In Year One without Aaron
The novice QB’s hardly stellar
So Cheeseheads beware
You had better prepare
For the next couple years in the cellar
FILE – Green Bay Packers’ Jordan Love drops back to pass during an NFL football mini camp practice session Wednesday, June 14, 2023, in Green Bay, Wis. The Packers have scheduled two separate sessions of joint practices to give new starting quarterback Jordan Love more opportunities to work with his young receiving group before the season begins. (AP Photo/Morry Gash, File)
NEW YORK JETS
“Jersey Sacks”
As Jets fans are binging on “Hard Knocks”
Uneasiness forms in their gut
The way their offensive line blocks
Rodgers spends most of season on butt
New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers participates in a drill at the NFL football team’s training facility in Florham Park, N.J., Thursday, July 20, 2023. (AP Photo/Seth Wenig)
DETROIT LIONS
“Silver Stretch?”
All the Motor City hype
Strikes us as mostly tripe
For franchise so used to derision
While the Lions may be plucky
They’re terribly lucky
The North is a weak-a** division
Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell on the sidelines during the second half of an NFL football game against the New England Patriots, Sunday, Oct. 9, 2022, in Foxborough, Mass. (AP Photo/Charles Krupa)
WASHINGTON COMMANDERS
“Addition by Subtraction”
It is said Daniel Snyder’s a lout
That’s why this team’s owner is out
Bringing unbridled glee
To the folks in D.C.
Their most glorious victory, no doubt
FILE – Washington Commanders’ Dan Snyder poses for photos during an event to unveil the NFL football team’s new identity, Feb. 2, 2022, in Landover, Md. NFL owners are set to meet July 20 to consider and potentially vote to approve the sale of the Washington Commanders, a person with knowledge of the situation said Friday, June 23, 2023. The person said teams were notified Thursday of a special league meeting that will take place in Minneapolis. (AP Photo/Patrick Semansky, File)
MIAMI DOLPHINS
“Pop Goes the Quarterback”
After months of the Tua discussion
The Fins say he’s taking each snap
They’re preventing another concussion
By dressing him in bubble wrap
Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa (1) is sacked by Cincinnati Bengals’ Josh Tupou (68) during the first half of an NFL football game, Thursday, Sept. 29, 2022, in Cincinnati. (AP Photo/Joshua A. Bickel)
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
“Trey Finis”
The Niners made clear on their stance
By trading a fortune for Lance
What a horrible shame
Turns out dude has no game
Dealt for pennies when given the chance
San Francisco 49ers quarterback Trey Lance (5) warms up before an NFL preseason football game against the Denver Broncos in Santa Clara, Calif., Saturday, Aug. 19, 2023. (AP Photo/Jed Jacobsohn)
DENVER BRONCOS
“Hacking Nathaniel”
Payton comes to the land mile high
Bringing with him a clever new racket
If the Broncos’ attack doesn’t fly
He’s blaming his failure on Hackett
Denver Broncos new head coach Sean Payton is introduced during a news conference at the team’s headquarters Monday, Feb. 6, 2023, in Centennial, Colo. (AP Photo/David Zalubowski)
CHICAGO BEARS
“Justin Time”
You’ve got to go eighty years back
To find a great Bears quarterback
While their fans dare to dream
Fields is just one-man team
Can’t do much with the weapons they lack
Chicago Bears quarterback Justin Fields, right, runs away from Buffalo Bills linebacker Matt Milano during the second half of an NFL football game, Saturday, Dec. 24, 2022, in Chicago. The Bills won 35-13. (AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh)
DALLAS COWBOYS
“Coach of the Days”
The owner most merry
That trade-making Jerry
Disrupted the team to add Lance
His next novel approach
Overboard goes the coach
McCarthy is down to last chance
Dallas Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy gives a press conference before mini camp on Tuesday, June 6, 2023, in Frisco, Texas. (AP Photo/Richard W. Rodriguez)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
“Big Beat in Big Easy”
The Saints got a legal assist
Giving postseason outlook a twist
Such an outrageous call
On Kamara’s base brawl
Alvin getting just slap on the wrist
The reflection of New Orleans Saints running back Alvin Kamara (41) is seen in his visor as he runs through drills at the team’s NFL football minicamp in Metairie, La., Thursday, June 15, 2023. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
“Dogs Town”
Hurts proved wrong all the naysayers
Alone in the Philly scrum
He’s one of the Eagles’ few players
Who isn’t a Georgia alum
Philadelphia Eagles’ Jalen Hurts plays during the NFL Super Bowl 57 football game against the Kansas City Chiefs, Sunday, Feb. 12, 2023, in Glendale, Ariz. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
“The Tightest End”
If Travis sat down with confessor
He’d give all to be Gronk’s successor
But if that’s what he choose
Our advise: Much less booze
The Chiefs will need someone more sober
Travis Kelce, Kansas City Chiefs tight end and host of Kelce Jam, gets the crowd fired up at the music festival Friday, April 28, 2023, in Bonner Springs, Kan. (AP Photo/Reed Hoffmann)
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
“Without You I’m Nothing”
The road down to Canton, most chill
Has been something less than a thrill
Cause it’s clear without Brady
HIs resume’s shady
Writers holding their nose to vote Bill
New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick shouts from the sidelines during the first half of an NFL football game against the Cincinnati Bengals, Saturday, Dec. 24, 2022, in Foxborough, Mass. (AP Photo/Michael Dwyer)
BUFFALO BILLS
“You Gotta Have Heart”
A nation uplifted, Damar
HIs brush with death echoed afar
While the DB’s a hero
Teammate Diggs is a zero
He’s still league’s most petulant star
Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stefon Diggs yells to the fans before an NFL football game against the New England Patriots on Monday, Dec. 6, 2021, in Orchard Park, N.Y. (AP Photo/Joshua Bessex)
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS
“Lost in LA LA Land”
When anyone scans
To find Chargers fans
They’re all miles south on I-5
Their moronic play
To move back to L.A.
Forcing fans to make three-hour drive
Los Angeles Chargers running back Austin Ekeler (30) leaps into the end zone after a run against the Jacksonville Jaguars during the first of an NFL wild-card football game, Saturday, Jan. 14, 2023, in Jacksonville, Fla. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
“Owner Error”
One need not rely much on hearsay
Analyzing the troubles of Colts
It’s obvious to all Jimmy Irsay
Is one of the league’s biggest dolts
Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay responds to a question during a news conference at the NFL team’s facility, Monday, Jan. 1, 2018, in Indianapolis. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)
CLEVELAND BROWNS
“Elementary Watson”
Their sanity gone
When they went for Deshaun
The Browns put their faith in a lout
While he used to be thrill
He’s now over the hill
Continuing Super Bowl drought
Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson (4) is sacked by Pittsburgh Steelers defensive tackle Larry Ogunjobi during the second half of an NFL football game in Pittsburgh, Sunday, Jan. 8, 2023. The Steelers won 28-14. (AP Photo/Don Wright)
NEW YORK GIANTS
“The Three-Penny Runner”
The Giants’ star Barkley
Started summer most darkly
His holdout had kept him offstage
Turns out he is staying
Agreed to keep playing
For just above minimum wage
FILE – New York Giants running back Saquon Barkley walks across the field before an NFL wild-card football game against the Minnesota Vikings, Sunday, Jan. 15, 2023, in Minneapolis. Barkley and the Giants failed to reach an agreement on a long-term contract extension by the Monday, July 17, 2023, deadline for franchised players, leaving the star running back with the option of playing for the tag-mandated $10.1 million salary or maybe taking the season off. (AP Photo/Abbie Parr, File)
BALTIMORE RAVENS
“The Blindest Side”
Compared to news of Michael Oher
Harbaugh’s latest team will be a bore
Despite skills of Lamar
Baltimore won’t go far
Ravens’ Super Bowl hopes, nevermore
Baltimore Ravens tackle Michael Oher is 30. He was the guy portrayed in the 2009 Sandra Bullock vehicle “The Blind Side.” He’s shown looking pleased at a press conference after the Ravens beat San Francisco in the 2013 Super Bowl in New Orleans. (Getty Images: Bruce Bennett)
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DIVISIONAL RACES
NFC North
Lions (10-7), Vikings (9-8), Bears (8-9), Packers (8-9)
NFC East
Eagles (13-4), Cowboys (11-6), Giants (8-9), Commanders (3-14)
NFC South
Falcons (9-8), Saints (9-8), Panthers (4-13), Buccaneers (4-13)
NFC West
49ers (13-4), Rams (8-9), Seahawks (8-9), Cardinals (1-16)
AFC East
Bills (11-6), Dolphins (11-6), Jets (10-7), Patriots (5-12)
AFC North
Bengals (13-4), Ravens (11-6), Steelers (9-8), Browns (7-10)
AFC South
Jaguars (11-6), Titans (8-9), Colts (5-12), Texans (4-13)
AFC West
Chiefs (14-3), Chargers (11-6), Broncos (9-8), Raiders (7-10)
PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS
NFC wild card
49ers over Vikings, Lions over Saints, Cowboys over Falcons
NFC divisional
Eagles over Lions, Cowboys over 49ers
NFC championship
Eagles over Cowboys
AFC wild card
Bengals over Chargers, Dolphins over Jaguars, Bills over Ravens,
AFC divisional
Chiefs over Dolphins, Bills over Bengals
AFC championship
Bills over Chiefs
Super Bowl LVIII
Eagles over Bills
COMING NEXT WEEK
The Loop begins our annual drive for prognostication perfection with the Week 1 Fantasy Football column on Thursday and the Week 1 NFL picks on Sunday.
You can hear Kevin Cusick on Wednesdays on Bob Sansevere’s “BS Show” podcast on iTunes. You can follow Kevin on Twitter — @theloopnow. He can be reached at [email protected].
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