Lifting the expectations placed on boys

Max Utterberg knows first-hand that too often boys are forced to fit into a narrow range of options for “acceptable” behavior. These limiting restrictions can be hard on their mental health.

“Growing up,” Utterberg said, “I was a very sensitive boy.” Because of that, he recalled, “I was ostracized. I was called ‘gay’ every day in the fifth grade. It was difficult for me to fit in.”

Later, Utterberg leaned into those painful experiences when it came time to choose a profession. “I decided in high school that I wanted to be a therapist because I enjoyed listening to and helping my friends,” he said. “I also decided that no boy needed to feel the way I felt when I was a kid.” 

Today, Utterberg is a school-based therapist employed by Minneapolis-based Washburn Center for Children and an adjunct professor in the counseling program at St. Mary’s University. 

The bulk of his time is spent in Bloomington’s Westwood Elementary School, where he supports the mental health of students. 

He wants his young clients, especially boys, to not feel limited by the expectations placed on them by their peers — and by society at large. “In the school-based part of my practice,” Utterberg said, “I really try to encourage boys to be themselves fully. If they come in and they have a traditional masculinity, say if they like sports, that’s great. If they are more into arts, I want to encourage that, too.” 

Just like girls, Utterberg said, boys naturally have a wide range of emotions and interests. Too often boys who don’t present with traditional masculine traits are teased or left out. “Boys who don’t express gender in a traditional way are often socially stigmatized — and that can be really difficult,” he said. 

These kinds of limiting options are harmful for all boys, no matter their gender representation, Utterberg believes. To help discuss these issues and offer strategies for counseling boys through their growing-up years, Utterberg has developed a presentation — titled “The Boys Are Not Alright: Research and Application in Working With School-Age Boys” — that he has presented to a range of mental health professionals, parents and educators in the Twin Cities and Greater Minnesota. 

The presentation, Utterberg said, focuses on “how we counsel school-age boys, what larger factors are influencing them and their behaviors and what interventions we need to implement to help them to be the best men they can be when they grow up.” 

He’s also launching a podcast with his friend and former Washburn colleague Ben Speiker called “Max and Ben Save the World: A Men’s Mental Health Podcast.” The pair are recording their first episode, and the show will be streamed on Twitch and YouTube. 

In need of role models

In his counseling practice, Utterberg said many of his young male clients are hungry for face-to-face interactions with men, especially men who present a positive image of masculinity. In the elementary-school setting, especially, there are few male role models for boys, he explained — mostly because primary-grade educators are still mostly women. 

“Education is predominantly a female profession,” he said. The issue is even more profound for boys from racial minority groups. “A lot of times boys from these groups don’t see a  man who looks like them, talks like them, all day,” Utterberg said. 

This gender imbalance can make it difficult for a boy who presents with more traditionally male behaviors to succeed in school, Utterberg said. “Boys are struggling to fit into a world where if you are very active in the classroom in a traditionally male way you are seen as a problem,” he said, “but if you are quiet and still and outwardly focusing on learning, you are considered a good student.” 

For boys who are raised by their mothers in single-parent households, that need for male connection can be particularly acute, Utterberg said. “Boys learn masculinity from their fathers and their mothers, in single-mother situations. Having a father figure present has led to better outcomes for kids.”

Because of the need for male role models, Utterberg said many of his young clients come into his office full of energy and curiosity. While each student usually has specific issues to work through, Utterberg tries to take a more circuitous route, letting the boy lead the discussion in whatever direction he’d like and using non-threatening, familiar tools and topics to gently guide him around to the issue at hand.  

“Boys are so hungry for adult-male interaction,” Utterberg said. “When they come into my office I spread the ideas wide. We can talk about Pokémon, sports, art, chess club. I know how to talk about all of these topics, so I’ve got a lot of things going for me. We can make connections that way first — and then we can develop a therapeutic relationship.”  

Part of the focus of those early conversations, Utterberg explained, is “trying to figure out who they are and what it means to them to be a boy. I try to accept their gender representation for whatever it is.” If his client seems more comfortable in a different setting, Utterberg said he’s happy to oblige. He understands that some boys need to burn off excess energy, and giving them that time is an important part of the process. “I’m not afraid to use physical activity at the end of the session, to go on the playground or just run around.” 

Utterberg said he’s modeled his own open and accepting approach to therapy on what he thinks would have worked best for him back when he was a boy struggling to fit in with his peers. 

“In my space I try to create a really welcoming atmosphere for the kids, to make sure they feel OK just being themselves,” Utterberg said. He has found that many boys are particularly interested in working with a male therapist. “It feels like they are more interested in opening up to a man,” he said. 

While the focus of Utterberg’s work is on elementary-age boys, he said he has also studied the impact of male role models on teenage boys. 

“There’s been some research that, once they get older, boys learn more about gender roles from their peers than from their parents,” Utterberg said. “We have this picture of kids bullying each other in school, and somehow that’s how boys learn masculinity.” 

But there are also other ways that boys can learn about what it means to be a man, he added. “Boys learn positive masculine traits if they are in some kind of activity like Quiz Bowl or chess club or football. In those situations, they can learn good things from their peers and mentors,” he said. “It gives them street cred and a sense of belonging.” 

A complicated relationship 

A shifting relationship between men, boys and education, combined with social gains made by women and girls, may account for some of the changes that are occurring in American schools and universities, Utterberg said. 

In the not-so-distant past, sexism and cultural stereotyping meant that men and boys were often at the head of the class in school, leading women and girls in educational achievements like college attendance. But that has changed in recent decades, with girls and women now seeking post-secondary degrees at higher levels than men and boys. Utterberg believes changing attitudes about gender roles and masculinity play a role in that demographic shift. 

“Historically, men guarded intellectualism and kept girls and women out,” Utterberg said. “Now we’ve gotten to this unusual place where boys see it as very ‘girly’ if you are into the arts or culture or if you want to read. We’re seeing more and more boys not going to college.” 

He finds this change fascinating because even though more women are going on to college and gaining economic and social status, jobs traditionally considered “women’s work,” like education or counseling, continue to be considered low status and receive relatively low pay. 

“It’s important to say women should be able to do everything men do,” Utterberg said, “but the fact remains that you can’t ‘lower’ men to the status of women. A lot of times people might look at a man who isn’t in a traditionally masculine profession and say, ‘Is he gay?’ The attitude is, ‘Why would you do a woman’s job? Why wouldn’t you want to make more money?’” 

Utterberg, who until recently was one of the only male therapists on Washburn’s school-based team, said he often encounters this attitude when he talks about his work. “I will tell someone about the work I do, and they’ll say, ‘Middle or high school?’ It does not occur to them that a man would work in an elementary school,” he said. 

Encouraging non-‘toxic’ masculinity

These days, the idea of masculinity is often tarnished by real-world examples of men acting badly, Utterberg said, but he also believes it is important for boys’ mental health and development to learn about and interact with men who lead upstanding, caring and meaningful lives. 

During his dissertation studies, Utterberg found that “the most frequent word that appears in the media associated with ‘masculinity’ is ‘toxic.’” That word pairing, he said, is “appropriate much of the time, but boys also really need positive male role models.” While pointing out instances when traditionally male behavior can be harmful is important, he also believes boys need to know that men can be good, too. “We should know the negative examples,” he said. “But we also need to have the positive examples of masculinity.” 

One way boys form views about appropriate masculine behavior is through television, movies and the Internet. Utterberg, who wrote his Ph.D. dissertation on the representation of masculinity in the media, said he’s concerned that, too often, the representations that boys see of masculinity is centered around violence. 

“Men and boys are often taught to turn to violence as the go-to solution for their problems,” Utterberg said. While avoiding these sources of media may be a good idea, he believes, there are also some popular culture representations of men and boys that can be positive. “I do think it is good to have representations of heroic masculinity in certain ways, say in the ‘Avengers’ way,” he said, “even though I do feel like too often ‘The Avengers’ aren’t asking enough questions.” 

This narrow representation of socially acceptable masculine behavior sometimes makes it hard for boys to talk about things that are troubling them, Utterberg said. Because of this, he said he often works with his clients to find the vocabulary needed to describe their feelings. When they don’t have the words, boys’ emotions can get “stuck” and come out in their physical actions. 

“Sometimes,” Utterberg said, “when I know that something really bad happened to them or their family, I’ll say to a boy, ‘It sounds like it was scary when dad was yelling at mom,’ or, ‘You might be sad when you heard they were separating,’ or, ‘You felt lonely or like it was your fault.’ Boys don’t always have the emotional vocabulary to express how something makes them feel. Having access to the words helps them to heal.”

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